The 7 Secrets of Awakening the Highly Effective Four-Hour Giant, Today by The Gang

Author:The Gang
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollinsPublishers

26

When Charlie Met Holland Oates

EDITOR’S NOTE: I am fully aware that this has nothing to do with fashion or personal grooming. Apparently, the authors have no coherent thoughts or advice for this section beyond man makeup. I placed this chapter here because, well, fuck it. If editing this book has taught me anything it’s that people are uncaring sociopaths, life is cruel and cold, and we all die alone.

Whattup, suckers, Dee all up in ya grill pans. Just got a piece of bad news. Turns out my shit-luck streak remains unbroken. Apparently, Rock and Roll Hall of Famer John Oates got lost on his way to a gig yesterday and ended up coming into Paddy’s for directions . . . WHEN I WASN’T THERE. Goddamn stupid shitballs!!! He could have been my ticket out of this hellhole! For Christ’s sake, I was born to bone rock stars! I’d have rocked his world! Plus he’s from Philly, so we probably have tons in common besides both being artists and both being great at boning. Like a hatred of Philly.

Mrs. Deandra Reynolds Oates. Goddamn if that doesn’t just sound right.

Anyway, Charlie was the only one in the bar when John came in. He recognized him right away, flipped out, and recorded the whole encounter and said I should submit it to the transcriber people in New York, with some kind of intro. I can’t even bring myself to listen to it before I send it off, so here’s my intro:

Charlie is a no-good dickbag who knows his friend Dee has a crush on John Oates and should have called her immediately the moment John Oates stepped into the bar. Instead he talked to him. And probably made him puke with his goddamned cheese breath. Asshole.

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